In the Park days
So... I was just hanging out in the park by the waterfront here (Library Park). It was pretty nice although kind of windy and cloudy. I practiced guitar and played a couple of songs for my friend Destiny on the phone. She is my good friend. She liked the songs I played. I was working on my singing too so that it's louder over the guitar. It was nice. Then I had to go to the bathroom, so I went to the gas station across the street. I saw some kind of down and out looking men too, so after I went to the bathroom I bought some beef jerky, cheesy chips, and sunflower seeds. Then I went out to the guys and asked if they needed any food. They were all, "Sure : ) " So I showed them what I got and told them to share and share alike. Then I said "God bless you." and I really meant it. They said "God bless you." Like with emphasis on the 'you' and it was sweet. It reminded me, 'Oh yeah, I'm doing good here too, I don't have to just be concerned over their needs, but I need to be blessed too.' It made me feel like I really do have purpose. If I weren't alive and didn't choose to do God's will, those men wouldn't have been blessed like that. So I really do have purpose as an individual. Sometimes I feel like it's so unfair how I have so much opportunity and that I'm just obligated to be really nice to people. But really it's okay to have stuff, but it's even better to share it and it's a good thing that I do. Yeah, I'm a slave to righteousness and all now, but really like a willing servant. I want to be on the good people side.
Later I was going to the car (my dad let me borrow it), and some guys were sorta walking toward me and it was still light out. So I sorta waited for them since they seemed to be coming to talk to me. We talked a little while, asking what we were up to. They told me I looked lost. I guess I felt a little lost. I feel like Brittany's always got stuff to do and my dad has his buddies. I feel out of place. I need more friends. I often isolate myself. I'm afraid to get involved in stuff, etc. Guitar has been good for me and it's a good way to bless others. I gotta be faithful though. I just want to be in some kind of club for lonely people where we'd go hang out and play board games and express our feelings or something. Not like group therapy. I think that'd be too formal. Yeah, how would that go over? Come to the club for lonely people. If you don't know where to go, come here! Bah, idk. I want to be good at guitar already, but I guess God has to build more humility into me or something, and diligence. Erg, I'm bottling my feelings again. I don't want to be afraid to sing loud!
One of my friends, Michael Hosmer, just got a card the other day that I sent back in November. He got it 2 or 3 days after his birthday. Ha ha that's good. I'm glad we're still friends. I know we're apart and things change, but when I talk to people from the Honor Academy, they're still the same people and they're still a blessing and I'm not a burden to them. Why do I think of myself as a burden? My name is a flower. I am a flower. So I'm a blessing. Yeah. That's how I'll think of myself. I'm a really tall flower that walks on two legs and eats people food. But I'm still a blessing and I'm not a weed and dandelions aren't pests they're beautiful! If you can't respect that, then I won't marry you! Ha ha. I get so specific about the guy I want to marry, but for me it's all or nothing (to a point). We don't have to agree on everything, but we need to respect each other's preferences and agree on important things and talk stuff out. Yeah. I'm making him a journal about me and what I like and letters I've written etc. I haven't done too much on it, but that's fine because I'm sure I have a while. = D
At least I try to be straight up with people. If someone was like wanting to do stupid things with me I'd tell them you know I'm not going to do that because I don't want to get hurt or put that on your sin record basically except I wouldn't say it like that if they didn't understand. But I'd be like, but hey, if you need a sandwich or want to talk or have me tell you about God, etc, I'm all for it! I want to truly value people and not use them. It made me sad earlier b/c I talked to those people and they were all like, "Yeah, we're gonna go camp out." and I knew they meant they were going to sleep outside. It's so stupid b/c I constantly want some people to come over and be friends and have muffins and tea and chat, but I just really don't have that. And then there's people who have nowhere to live so it's like 2+2=4 kind of thing in my head, but also it just doesn't work like that. I think I have a good people sense like I can tell if I need to get out of or avoid a situation, except when that guy hugged me in Norway and it was creepy and I felt sort of used. I am somewhat naive I guess. I at least feel like, if you want to sleep in my yard, we will accommodate you and try to get you a tent soon enough if you need one, etc. I sort of built a hammock out of twine and a piece of fence because I was thinking it could be a nice spot for my homeless friend Larry. He's a nice guy.
When I see a need I always want to do more. It shocks me a little bit every time, like, 'Oh, there really are hungry homeless people around here.' I think I'd about go broke in a big city going around giving out blankets and sandwiches or whatever. It'd be nice to be able to take a girl to coffee or something because I wouldn't feel weird hanging out with them like that. Hmm. Yeah. If people were just nice and really generous, talking to people and inviting them in, we wouldn't have a homelessness problem. Someday I want to have a home and fill it with people in need, people to love-- foster kids, homeless, pets, adopted kids, etc. But a slightly big house to accommodate. Not too big and not too many people at a time, but a steady stream and efficiency so that there can be a quiet place to hang out somewhere in the house most of the time. I love helping people. I love loving people. It is my purpose. I don't want to take too much on, I just want SOMETHING to take on. I miss those Panama kids so much!!! They brightened my days so much!
When I got home I cried in the driveway because I missed my mom. It's just the odd feeling of being home with her not here. It hits me sometimes. That's the sort of thing I'd like to talk out with a counselor, because I don't really understand the feelings. I'm a grown-up now I guess and it's nice to not have my parents fighting a lot here. But I still do miss her like, she's my mom and she should be here with my dad. But it's just not like that.
I get worried over, what if I go to some orphanage and help, but then there's barely any food and it's all sad, etc. I guess I'd have to start smaller or something, but also I would adjust. I want to do big things, but also I don't want to have a bunch of meltdowns or something because that'd be unhealthy for the kids.
I have a lot of poems to blog. They're all over my notebooks. I have so many notebooks. But that's better than not expressing my feelings at all. Yes, I have a lot of feelings. People with Feelings Anonomas FWFA? Hi, my name is Jasmine and I have feelings. "Hi, Jasmine." Lol.
I'm getting tired now. I work tomorrow. Dear Lord, please help me to do well at work tomorrow. Help me to sleep well. Please help all the homeless people and the starving children, etc. Amen.
Love you God, love you people. Goodnight : )
Later I was going to the car (my dad let me borrow it), and some guys were sorta walking toward me and it was still light out. So I sorta waited for them since they seemed to be coming to talk to me. We talked a little while, asking what we were up to. They told me I looked lost. I guess I felt a little lost. I feel like Brittany's always got stuff to do and my dad has his buddies. I feel out of place. I need more friends. I often isolate myself. I'm afraid to get involved in stuff, etc. Guitar has been good for me and it's a good way to bless others. I gotta be faithful though. I just want to be in some kind of club for lonely people where we'd go hang out and play board games and express our feelings or something. Not like group therapy. I think that'd be too formal. Yeah, how would that go over? Come to the club for lonely people. If you don't know where to go, come here! Bah, idk. I want to be good at guitar already, but I guess God has to build more humility into me or something, and diligence. Erg, I'm bottling my feelings again. I don't want to be afraid to sing loud!
One of my friends, Michael Hosmer, just got a card the other day that I sent back in November. He got it 2 or 3 days after his birthday. Ha ha that's good. I'm glad we're still friends. I know we're apart and things change, but when I talk to people from the Honor Academy, they're still the same people and they're still a blessing and I'm not a burden to them. Why do I think of myself as a burden? My name is a flower. I am a flower. So I'm a blessing. Yeah. That's how I'll think of myself. I'm a really tall flower that walks on two legs and eats people food. But I'm still a blessing and I'm not a weed and dandelions aren't pests they're beautiful! If you can't respect that, then I won't marry you! Ha ha. I get so specific about the guy I want to marry, but for me it's all or nothing (to a point). We don't have to agree on everything, but we need to respect each other's preferences and agree on important things and talk stuff out. Yeah. I'm making him a journal about me and what I like and letters I've written etc. I haven't done too much on it, but that's fine because I'm sure I have a while. = D
At least I try to be straight up with people. If someone was like wanting to do stupid things with me I'd tell them you know I'm not going to do that because I don't want to get hurt or put that on your sin record basically except I wouldn't say it like that if they didn't understand. But I'd be like, but hey, if you need a sandwich or want to talk or have me tell you about God, etc, I'm all for it! I want to truly value people and not use them. It made me sad earlier b/c I talked to those people and they were all like, "Yeah, we're gonna go camp out." and I knew they meant they were going to sleep outside. It's so stupid b/c I constantly want some people to come over and be friends and have muffins and tea and chat, but I just really don't have that. And then there's people who have nowhere to live so it's like 2+2=4 kind of thing in my head, but also it just doesn't work like that. I think I have a good people sense like I can tell if I need to get out of or avoid a situation, except when that guy hugged me in Norway and it was creepy and I felt sort of used. I am somewhat naive I guess. I at least feel like, if you want to sleep in my yard, we will accommodate you and try to get you a tent soon enough if you need one, etc. I sort of built a hammock out of twine and a piece of fence because I was thinking it could be a nice spot for my homeless friend Larry. He's a nice guy.
When I see a need I always want to do more. It shocks me a little bit every time, like, 'Oh, there really are hungry homeless people around here.' I think I'd about go broke in a big city going around giving out blankets and sandwiches or whatever. It'd be nice to be able to take a girl to coffee or something because I wouldn't feel weird hanging out with them like that. Hmm. Yeah. If people were just nice and really generous, talking to people and inviting them in, we wouldn't have a homelessness problem. Someday I want to have a home and fill it with people in need, people to love-- foster kids, homeless, pets, adopted kids, etc. But a slightly big house to accommodate. Not too big and not too many people at a time, but a steady stream and efficiency so that there can be a quiet place to hang out somewhere in the house most of the time. I love helping people. I love loving people. It is my purpose. I don't want to take too much on, I just want SOMETHING to take on. I miss those Panama kids so much!!! They brightened my days so much!
When I got home I cried in the driveway because I missed my mom. It's just the odd feeling of being home with her not here. It hits me sometimes. That's the sort of thing I'd like to talk out with a counselor, because I don't really understand the feelings. I'm a grown-up now I guess and it's nice to not have my parents fighting a lot here. But I still do miss her like, she's my mom and she should be here with my dad. But it's just not like that.
I get worried over, what if I go to some orphanage and help, but then there's barely any food and it's all sad, etc. I guess I'd have to start smaller or something, but also I would adjust. I want to do big things, but also I don't want to have a bunch of meltdowns or something because that'd be unhealthy for the kids.
I have a lot of poems to blog. They're all over my notebooks. I have so many notebooks. But that's better than not expressing my feelings at all. Yes, I have a lot of feelings. People with Feelings Anonomas FWFA? Hi, my name is Jasmine and I have feelings. "Hi, Jasmine." Lol.
I'm getting tired now. I work tomorrow. Dear Lord, please help me to do well at work tomorrow. Help me to sleep well. Please help all the homeless people and the starving children, etc. Amen.
Love you God, love you people. Goodnight : )
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