Restless Heart...
"My name is DJ Jazzy Jazz (aka Jasmine), and I like Goats!"
--This is how I introduced myself at the dinner table tonight.--
"You can't introduce yourself like that and not do the thing..." -other staff.
Cue the faux beat boxing, "Boots and cats and boots and cats. Bts cts. Bts cts."
And the children become quiet and confused... wha?
"Jasmine, tell us your dream about goats!" -other staff.
"I want to have goats that go on a trampoline!" -me
Such is one of the many interesting conversations that occur at the youth shelter where I work. It goes by many names... Emergency Shelter Program, Youth Crisis Shelter, Youth Shelter... et cetera.
There are some days that push me beyond my limit. Days I am like - Why. Is. This. My. Life. ? ? ? And there are days where I feel, "This moment is what it is about. This is why I am in it. It's worth it for this moment." Is that the way parenting goes? I feel I am learning so much each day about parenting: holding kids accountable, setting limits and boundaries, respect, communication, practical skills, and other things. There's other things I ponder... why do I only learn about the lack of toilet paper after room time? Or that you don't have a coat with you right when it's time to get on the bus? Why are you pushing buttons with other kids and acting like, "I didn't do anything!"
I think I am going through some refinement in my life, like learning more patience. It can be little things really where I may already be at my limit and then something else occurs. It can be too much at times. Like when the crazy dog at home likes to jump on me after a long day and it hurts. Then ensues the, "GET OFF OF ME YOU CRAZY DOG!!!" Yes she can also be sweet and lovable. I forgive her after a reasonable amount of time.
There are other things that kind of chip away at me slowly. Like it being about 1:30am and I can't sleep. My mind is restless like it's full of flickering fireflies or buzzing bees. My heart is restless too. Oh joy, almost Valentine's Day (cough, sarcasm). Apparently Saint Valentine was a priest who was martyred for his faith. It is good to remember this but I feel the way Valentine's Day is celebrated has nothing to do with this.
I guess I have slowly conformed my life and settled in a way that it is functional, but not really full of joy. I don't stay up until 1am playing guitar in a quiet stairwell or wander out under the stars at night. I'm not walking through fields of wildflowers in Texas and crying out to God through my pain. I think in a lot of ways I have become numb. I feel isolated from other people. I'm often not hurting enough to really seek God about it and I'm not so full of joy that I want to write poems of praise. I can analyze myself all I want and understand mentally that I am not living my life to the fullest. It is harder to actually do something about it. I want my voice to be heard. I want to communicate more like a human being and less like a grunting bear. But how do I do this?
If I am writing - or typing - I can get my thoughts on paper and make it plain. I have been reading through my Bible (now a new one after the dog chewed up my old Bible... wow.) This is the 4th year I've been working on the same Bible reading plan. I started it in 2015. Any other time I have read through the Bible (this is the 5th time), it has taken me about a year. So I feel I am losing momentum in a lot of ways. I don't think I have many people to hold me accountable in this. I don't have people there much to walk with me to keep doing the things that I love and do them with me.
I'm not trying to just be down on myself right now, but I am saying that this is where I am at. I really miss being able to take a time out in the prayer room at Teen Mania or go out into the back 40 and pray. That year really taught me a lot and cultivated me into the person that I am in many ways. I think I'm just feeling unsettled. I wonder if I have made the right choices and if I am doing enough with my life. I think I had painted a picture of life that was more full of adventure and less the everyday grunt work of dishes, tending to the young-ins, budgeting, dealing with people, answering phones, etc. Not that life is bad, life is still beautiful. It's just challenging. It's challenging to push myself to keep moving forward and believe that all this hard work will pay off in the end.
Today one of the youths asked me, "Do you know anything about astrophysics?" Me, "Uh, no." I didn't really think to ask what they knew about it. I will try to ask tomorrow--aka today in about eleven hours. My circadian rhythm is probably off. I work a lot of evenings and weekends. I also work an overnight once in a while. It's so quiet at night and peaceful. That's probably why I bask in the early hours of the night the way I do. This despite that I love early mornings, I just can't stay awake for them.
I spent some time looking up name meanings today. I learned a few new things. I found out that one of the names that I love Hadassah, means compassion. I also found out that Ember as a name is a variant of Jeremy meaning, "Appointed by God." I find this interesting as I bought a leather key chain that says Ember. I see it each day as I start the car or go into the house. So maybe I can remind myself, "I am appointed by God. He has equipped me for every good work. I am complete in Christ." Liam is an Irish variant of the name William. It means, "strong-willed warrior and protector." I like that name. Liam Neeson's name is very becoming for him. I like things that have meaning and make sense. I like things that are practical.
I have two jobs. I have my shelter job and my other job is working with people in there homes that need help with cleaning, tasks, or companionship. I call it more of a take a break job because I don't have to constantly be keeping a head count of my clients and hoping they don't run away. Not. Even. Kidding. One of the clients who I work with has really brought me a lot of joy. She doesn't have a lot of people who are in her life on a daily basis. I think she really enjoys the company besides the practical side of me cleaning the oven or scrubbing the bathroom. She talks about her times she spent traveling and past jobs that she has had. I have been missing my Grandma Jackie a lot the past couple of years. It is nice to have someone in my life that reminds me of her.
Maybe some of the things that seem so insignificant to me like visiting with someone, keeping up the house, showing up to work when I'm expected and when I'm needed, these things may really mean more than I could know. I've appreciated that I am able to talk about God in my job with the at home care clients. The client who likes to have a good chat likes to have conversations about God. She says she has a lot of questions and lets me share what I believe with her. At the shelter job we aren't supposed to really, I'm not even sure what I can or can't do. It's like the No Soliciting signs, but with religion. So I think I could ask them more of, "What do you believe is the meaning of life? Where do you believe we came from?" It can't be coercive. I don't like being coercive anyway. But I do like to share about what I believe if someone is actually willing to listen.
If someone wants to know what I believe so that they can crush it all down and basically call me an idiot with one-sided cherry-picked data, I'm not really interested. And that applies to extra-biblical teachings as well. If people are just making rules to make rules and it's not a hill-to-die-on Salvation issue, don't push it on me. Like if someone tries to find Bible verses to say that people NEED to eat meat like it's a sin not to do so. What? Let people eat meat or not. Find other examples to support your ideas and beliefs on this issue. Some things do not have specific examples in the Bible. There are general principles to follow though. Anyway...
I think a lot of what I believe and feel is suppressed. Like a suppressed immune system. Which I think I also have. I have thoughts and ideas on just about everything that I can comprehend (this doesn't include complex math or astrophysics). But I don't know how to get it out of my head. Well, at least I am starting to tire out now.
I went to college for applied psychology and biblical studies. I like learning more about understanding people and finding meaning. Why do we do the things we do. I have learned that some people have a profound emotional capacity and can express themselves well. I have learned that other people shut out their feelings like white noise and relate to others almost on an animal-like level. I mostly wonder why things are the way they are. How can there be so much beauty and pain coexisting in the world at the same time? How can some people be so selfless and others so devious? It's good to see that there is the power of choice, but I've also learned how much people are influenced by their upbringing. I am very grateful to have had two parents that have been there for me throughout my entire life. Also to many other relatives, grandparents, friends, teachers, and even strangers who have supported me.
There will always be an aching that this world can't cure and I'm trying to make peace with that. God will be there one day as the cure and that One that I have been looking for. I still am longing for that earthly Someone to be there beside me. I have been following and loving the Tiny House Movement since I found out about it. I'm hoping I find someone who wants to live out that dream beside me. Simplifying, starting fresh, making something new, making something beautiful. I want to live in a way that I am enabled to do things that I love and that are meaningful. Because life is short. It seems you just start to figure things out and then life changes. This happens again and again. Then it's time to die. So maybe we spend our lives preparing and when we are prepared, we move on to the next step.
I'm hoping to find a man who knows how to build or has the capacity and willingness to learn to build with me. I don't want another one-sided relationship. I feel like my job is teaching me a lot about being a team and relying on others in a healthy way. I have to have faith that God has the right kind of person out there for me and that I don't have to try to be something that I'm not (perfect) in order to be together with someone. I'm first having to learn to be okay with myself and be okay with my imperfections. I feel that may take awhile for one who is somewhat of a perfectionist. God is patient. So maybe someday that kind, compassionate, reliable, respectful, imperfect person will come to make me his wife. He'll tell me, "You are enough."
So that's where I am at. The girl typing at 3am trying to make sense out the thoughts in her mind. Trying to make sense of herself. Hoping life will not always be so lonely. Pushing through the exhaustion and heartache. Because of an echoing thought of someone saying, "I will always be your friend." And that person acting like I don't exist. But maybe that was God speaking through to me saying that God will always be my friend. And that's as true as it ever was. It was and is and is to come. I'm climbing the rock wall and Jesus give me strength. Amen.
--This is how I introduced myself at the dinner table tonight.--
"You can't introduce yourself like that and not do the thing..." -other staff.
Cue the faux beat boxing, "Boots and cats and boots and cats. Bts cts. Bts cts."
And the children become quiet and confused... wha?
"Jasmine, tell us your dream about goats!" -other staff.
"I want to have goats that go on a trampoline!" -me
Such is one of the many interesting conversations that occur at the youth shelter where I work. It goes by many names... Emergency Shelter Program, Youth Crisis Shelter, Youth Shelter... et cetera.
There are some days that push me beyond my limit. Days I am like - Why. Is. This. My. Life. ? ? ? And there are days where I feel, "This moment is what it is about. This is why I am in it. It's worth it for this moment." Is that the way parenting goes? I feel I am learning so much each day about parenting: holding kids accountable, setting limits and boundaries, respect, communication, practical skills, and other things. There's other things I ponder... why do I only learn about the lack of toilet paper after room time? Or that you don't have a coat with you right when it's time to get on the bus? Why are you pushing buttons with other kids and acting like, "I didn't do anything!"
I think I am going through some refinement in my life, like learning more patience. It can be little things really where I may already be at my limit and then something else occurs. It can be too much at times. Like when the crazy dog at home likes to jump on me after a long day and it hurts. Then ensues the, "GET OFF OF ME YOU CRAZY DOG!!!" Yes she can also be sweet and lovable. I forgive her after a reasonable amount of time.
There are other things that kind of chip away at me slowly. Like it being about 1:30am and I can't sleep. My mind is restless like it's full of flickering fireflies or buzzing bees. My heart is restless too. Oh joy, almost Valentine's Day (cough, sarcasm). Apparently Saint Valentine was a priest who was martyred for his faith. It is good to remember this but I feel the way Valentine's Day is celebrated has nothing to do with this.
I guess I have slowly conformed my life and settled in a way that it is functional, but not really full of joy. I don't stay up until 1am playing guitar in a quiet stairwell or wander out under the stars at night. I'm not walking through fields of wildflowers in Texas and crying out to God through my pain. I think in a lot of ways I have become numb. I feel isolated from other people. I'm often not hurting enough to really seek God about it and I'm not so full of joy that I want to write poems of praise. I can analyze myself all I want and understand mentally that I am not living my life to the fullest. It is harder to actually do something about it. I want my voice to be heard. I want to communicate more like a human being and less like a grunting bear. But how do I do this?
If I am writing - or typing - I can get my thoughts on paper and make it plain. I have been reading through my Bible (now a new one after the dog chewed up my old Bible... wow.) This is the 4th year I've been working on the same Bible reading plan. I started it in 2015. Any other time I have read through the Bible (this is the 5th time), it has taken me about a year. So I feel I am losing momentum in a lot of ways. I don't think I have many people to hold me accountable in this. I don't have people there much to walk with me to keep doing the things that I love and do them with me.
I'm not trying to just be down on myself right now, but I am saying that this is where I am at. I really miss being able to take a time out in the prayer room at Teen Mania or go out into the back 40 and pray. That year really taught me a lot and cultivated me into the person that I am in many ways. I think I'm just feeling unsettled. I wonder if I have made the right choices and if I am doing enough with my life. I think I had painted a picture of life that was more full of adventure and less the everyday grunt work of dishes, tending to the young-ins, budgeting, dealing with people, answering phones, etc. Not that life is bad, life is still beautiful. It's just challenging. It's challenging to push myself to keep moving forward and believe that all this hard work will pay off in the end.
Today one of the youths asked me, "Do you know anything about astrophysics?" Me, "Uh, no." I didn't really think to ask what they knew about it. I will try to ask tomorrow--aka today in about eleven hours. My circadian rhythm is probably off. I work a lot of evenings and weekends. I also work an overnight once in a while. It's so quiet at night and peaceful. That's probably why I bask in the early hours of the night the way I do. This despite that I love early mornings, I just can't stay awake for them.
I spent some time looking up name meanings today. I learned a few new things. I found out that one of the names that I love Hadassah, means compassion. I also found out that Ember as a name is a variant of Jeremy meaning, "Appointed by God." I find this interesting as I bought a leather key chain that says Ember. I see it each day as I start the car or go into the house. So maybe I can remind myself, "I am appointed by God. He has equipped me for every good work. I am complete in Christ." Liam is an Irish variant of the name William. It means, "strong-willed warrior and protector." I like that name. Liam Neeson's name is very becoming for him. I like things that have meaning and make sense. I like things that are practical.
I have two jobs. I have my shelter job and my other job is working with people in there homes that need help with cleaning, tasks, or companionship. I call it more of a take a break job because I don't have to constantly be keeping a head count of my clients and hoping they don't run away. Not. Even. Kidding. One of the clients who I work with has really brought me a lot of joy. She doesn't have a lot of people who are in her life on a daily basis. I think she really enjoys the company besides the practical side of me cleaning the oven or scrubbing the bathroom. She talks about her times she spent traveling and past jobs that she has had. I have been missing my Grandma Jackie a lot the past couple of years. It is nice to have someone in my life that reminds me of her.
Maybe some of the things that seem so insignificant to me like visiting with someone, keeping up the house, showing up to work when I'm expected and when I'm needed, these things may really mean more than I could know. I've appreciated that I am able to talk about God in my job with the at home care clients. The client who likes to have a good chat likes to have conversations about God. She says she has a lot of questions and lets me share what I believe with her. At the shelter job we aren't supposed to really, I'm not even sure what I can or can't do. It's like the No Soliciting signs, but with religion. So I think I could ask them more of, "What do you believe is the meaning of life? Where do you believe we came from?" It can't be coercive. I don't like being coercive anyway. But I do like to share about what I believe if someone is actually willing to listen.
If someone wants to know what I believe so that they can crush it all down and basically call me an idiot with one-sided cherry-picked data, I'm not really interested. And that applies to extra-biblical teachings as well. If people are just making rules to make rules and it's not a hill-to-die-on Salvation issue, don't push it on me. Like if someone tries to find Bible verses to say that people NEED to eat meat like it's a sin not to do so. What? Let people eat meat or not. Find other examples to support your ideas and beliefs on this issue. Some things do not have specific examples in the Bible. There are general principles to follow though. Anyway...
I think a lot of what I believe and feel is suppressed. Like a suppressed immune system. Which I think I also have. I have thoughts and ideas on just about everything that I can comprehend (this doesn't include complex math or astrophysics). But I don't know how to get it out of my head. Well, at least I am starting to tire out now.
I went to college for applied psychology and biblical studies. I like learning more about understanding people and finding meaning. Why do we do the things we do. I have learned that some people have a profound emotional capacity and can express themselves well. I have learned that other people shut out their feelings like white noise and relate to others almost on an animal-like level. I mostly wonder why things are the way they are. How can there be so much beauty and pain coexisting in the world at the same time? How can some people be so selfless and others so devious? It's good to see that there is the power of choice, but I've also learned how much people are influenced by their upbringing. I am very grateful to have had two parents that have been there for me throughout my entire life. Also to many other relatives, grandparents, friends, teachers, and even strangers who have supported me.
There will always be an aching that this world can't cure and I'm trying to make peace with that. God will be there one day as the cure and that One that I have been looking for. I still am longing for that earthly Someone to be there beside me. I have been following and loving the Tiny House Movement since I found out about it. I'm hoping I find someone who wants to live out that dream beside me. Simplifying, starting fresh, making something new, making something beautiful. I want to live in a way that I am enabled to do things that I love and that are meaningful. Because life is short. It seems you just start to figure things out and then life changes. This happens again and again. Then it's time to die. So maybe we spend our lives preparing and when we are prepared, we move on to the next step.
I'm hoping to find a man who knows how to build or has the capacity and willingness to learn to build with me. I don't want another one-sided relationship. I feel like my job is teaching me a lot about being a team and relying on others in a healthy way. I have to have faith that God has the right kind of person out there for me and that I don't have to try to be something that I'm not (perfect) in order to be together with someone. I'm first having to learn to be okay with myself and be okay with my imperfections. I feel that may take awhile for one who is somewhat of a perfectionist. God is patient. So maybe someday that kind, compassionate, reliable, respectful, imperfect person will come to make me his wife. He'll tell me, "You are enough."
So that's where I am at. The girl typing at 3am trying to make sense out the thoughts in her mind. Trying to make sense of herself. Hoping life will not always be so lonely. Pushing through the exhaustion and heartache. Because of an echoing thought of someone saying, "I will always be your friend." And that person acting like I don't exist. But maybe that was God speaking through to me saying that God will always be my friend. And that's as true as it ever was. It was and is and is to come. I'm climbing the rock wall and Jesus give me strength. Amen.
Comments