Lately...

Life has been busy lately... mostly it's easy to slip into complacency, thinking what does it matter if I reach out, go the extra mile, seek God or not?  Sometimes I miss the early days of my faith.  I was so broken and raw before God.  I had nothing but Him to hold me.  As I get older and have more of a predictable, secure, if sometimes monotonous and unsure existence it is harder to trust in God.

I remember when I would wear skirts no matter the temperature.  I just wanted to be colorful and free.  I still am that person inside.  I was walking the other day and slipped on the ice, slightly scraping my knee through my tights.  It's dangerous to wear a skirt in the midst of slippery ice.  It's dangerous to be a free spirit in a slippery world.

I am very introspective at times, writing in my journal so fast I can barely understand it.  But it is so hard to get out of my head, push myself to give myself to God when it's easier to stay trapped inside.
I've let myself be way too busy, trying to fix everyone, fix myself and not lean into God.
I guess it took writing a pretty pathetic song yesterday at midnight for me to realize I am not okay.
My life circumstances are good and stable for the most part, but if I'm just going through the motions I'm not really living.

Shout out to Amy Guntzel my sister in Christ who always knows just what to say.  Well it's a gift from God.  I do not reach out.... yeah.  I will blog on here though because if people care enough to read about what I write then they must care about me.  I am so grateful for the Jesus Cares Family that has taken in Dillon and I over the past year or so.  I would not be the same without them.  You know you are loved when you send out a desperate text for prayer and like five women call you to pray for you.  I am soooooooo loved!

Honestly I do have a heavy soul.  I see pain in the world and I want to fix it.  I want to put a Band-Aid on the boo-boo and kiss it and make it better.  I want to put the bad people in time out and withhold dessert from those who complain and fuss over their lot in life.  Deal with these things and you will have the blessing and reward.

I love children.  They are probably my passion in life.  I don't really know why I'm a psychology major.  It's interesting.  I guess I just don't want to be a classroom teacher in the common sense of the word.  I do love to teach people things and teach children things, but more of a daily life, not lesson plans and all that.  Yeah... I got a C in speech class.  It's funny that I have so much passion about things but am afraid to share it with the world, especially by giving a speech.  I'll sing a song or post a poem or pour my heart out in a blog, but talking in front of adults is difficult.

Yesterday I worked on papers I had due today.  I had to read in a commentary (well several) about the bible.  There were Greek words in it and I read a couple of them.  Then I remembered, "Oh yeah, I can read some Greek."  Ha ha.  It's just funny because I forget that I actually have talents and abilities.  I am a good singer too and I love to sing but I also don't like to sing in front of people sometimes.  I got to sing at my Grandpa Jack's funeral though, which was really healing.


So... this has been quite the year.  My sister is back home which has been AMAZING!  There's something so comforting about knowing my sister is a waitress again.  She's kind of built for it.  This Christmas was beautiful but also hard.  It was the first one in four years that she's been home on Christmas day.  We did so much baking, decorating, getting a tree, etc.  But it was our first Christmas together as a family since my mom and dad got divorced.  It's a change for sure.  Putting Christmas on instead of just being part of it.  Also seeing our cousins we are close with was really good.

It's kind of funny growing up and you sort of have to make your own family.  People move away, friends leave, life gets busy.  There's always your family, but you need new friends in everyday life who become family.  I'm really grateful for Tim and Cathy Pomp too for helping Dillon and I grow in our faith and our relationship.  It is very hard learning to lean on God no matter what.  I come to the end of myself realize I can't fix things or change things sometimes.  I can only open up myself to be changed by God.

Thanks for listening.....