Today... today...
Hello. : )
Well, I'm tired. I feel like staying up late though because I've had two overnight shifts at work in a row. I was just looking at scholarship sites with regret because I should have been doing that more sooner. If the scholarships I applied for come back with even half the eligible amount that'd be so great! I want to know more about my work-study job that I got. I'm so glad I got that! I'm scared to apply for loans. I'll have to see how that works with work-study. Overall I am very blessed to even get all the financial help that I'm receiving.
You know I commented that thing on the Messy Mondays site? Well I got a comment on it "holy bananas you wrote a lot." What does that even mean? Does all that I said not even matter to the point you only notice how much I commented? I'm passionate about peace and people listening to each other. I want people to try to look past what people do and believe and look for the real motives behind it. I want people to try to understand each other. Am I even really heard or do I just talk too much for that? I journal a lot. My sister looked at how many journals I have and she's like "woah". It may because I don't speak out enough and share my feelings with others so I write them down instead. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I just want someone to LISTEN to me. Is that too much to ask?
At least I feel like people probably only read a blog because they actually want to know how you're doing. Sometimes on Facebook people rant and no one really reads it. But this you sort of actually have to seek out. I was at church today. We had communion and I felt conviction, like it's time to get serious I felt. I can't just do what I want and take the easy route so much. And I have to prioritize and do what I know I need to do. I've always hated when things don't go my own way and I can't control it, but I really hate when I vent my feelings or work hard on something and people just don't care or they throw my work away. It's really frustrating and it hurts. I feel so small and unable to do anything in this big world. I like to stay involved in things but I do get discouraged. I hate how hard it is to find good friends, and then I see someone I'd like to be friends with and the schedules don't work out or I'm not bold enough to ask. I want a day job. I'm so out of wack. I'm learning to appreciate that even if a job is early, at least it's in daylight hours. I miss working at Image.
I know God loves me and I see how I act sometimes and how I feel and it's like, I really don't have much else, so why am I not running after God harder? I focus on things I can't have. I miss being a part of a Bible study. I don't think "book clubs" are much of a club. I want attention and I want to be listened to. I want to have someone tell me "you matter" and really mean it. One of my supervisors at the Honor Academy told me once "I really appreciate you." and it has stuck with me since. It's one of those things I hold onto when everything is crazy.
I seriously want to renovate a new shed so that I will just have a place to call my own! I'm sick of people telling me how to live my life instead of actually trying to help me! If I could afford I nice shed and I had people to help me I would like to do that. Maybe I could put it in the yard and not have plumbing because it wouldn't be a real house, but like I could put in a loft bed and have it insulated and have to do lighting somehow too. Or I could just have my own room, but that's not even what I want. I don't even know what I really want. The other day I tried to make a hammock out of wire fence and it basically was a waste of time. If I put in more rope it'll probably work, but it's probably still a waste of time because I'm barely even here and awake during daylight hours!
Right now I just want something dependable, like a decent job where I get to see people. It's not even about the money. I like having money so I can give it away. And I also do save it. Ahh! So just want to vent to somebody but people feel so far away or like they don't care! I miss my friend Sarah Rennick!
Don't worry, I'm planning on signing myself up for counseling if I would just have the courage to do it. I want to veg. out and eat popsicles and watch Pocahontis and Disney movies all day. I want to cry. I want a hug. I am such a big baby!
I really want to not cost a lot of money and I want to be more self-sufficient because I'm tired of hearing about all the abused and over-worked workers in poor countries because we feel the need to have so much stuff. Ah! I want to foster care like 10 cats because I feel so bad for the humane society cats that look like they are in cat prison! But cat food is expensive! I'd have a cat door in my little shed house. I want to be cozy and know that I'm ok because I'm not relying on big companies and internet chat rooms full of sketchy people who just want to pimp you out in big cities! I want real friends! The kind that come to your house and eat your food and chase your cats! And who randomly do your dishes and read your books and make funny faces and put dumb radishes in your bowl of cereal!
And I find the thought of marriage so daunting because I feel like I'll have to be so much better than I am and it also doesn't solve loneliness.
I wish I knew sign language so when I got angry I could just yell with my hands instead of with my mouth. I don't like to be loud. I feel like it brings hurt. I've yelled and been angry too much of my life, but I also want to learn to speak my mind. The old has gone, the new has come....
Dear Lord, please help me. I want to be able to express myself and it comes in muted angry and blogging and venting in tongues and repenting and I'm so sick of night shifts! I know that my depression has gotten better and I'm somewhat chemically more balanced I think, but I'm still dealing with bad thought patterns and behavior. That isn't a medicinal problem either, that's something that has to be dealt with inside, and I still speak like what I have to say doesn't matter, because on one level, I don't believe it does!
I miss Norway. It is sooooo beautiful there! And I love the people and their accents! I want to get lost in a good book. I don't know what to read though. I have one chapter of Crazy Love left that I've been putting off for a couple of months. No idea why. And I've been reading "Normal Accidents". It's intriguing, but not to the point where I just keep going back to it. I seriously wish I could grow my own chocolate. I would love to have a grove filled with tropical trees and bushes. You can't do that here. Lame. Indoor greenhouse? We have not started a garden! Bah!
A couple of my friends and their baby are moving. It's sad, I really love the baby and they're nice people! I guess the dark night sky adds to me feeling shut in and like there's really not much out there. I wish I were just super good at guitar because it'd be something I could sort of hang onto. But you really can't hold onto anything these days. Well in any age really. I'm still feeling the coffee from 10:30 this morning. I feel like I'm pretty sensitive to caffiene. Someone I work at the house for gave me a pop last night and it was such a sweet gesture. They were sunburnt too, so I felt like I should've been the one giving. It's nice to accept things from others and know that I care. I can be such an "oh I need to do something" I overwhelm myself too much. I miss Texas. I miss my friends.
Why do I feel so young? There's a little girl at my church who has a slight growing problem, but it's actually kind of comforting because it's something that's not constantly changing. She just stays a sweet little girl the same height. I hope she can eventually get taller though. For her sake and her parents. What the heck is a sake? Keepsake. For heaven's sake. For your own sake. My sanity's sake. It's just such a funny sounding word. McPollo ah ah ha ha! McChicken in Mexico! Pollo chicken : )
I'm so annoyed with all the propaganda of Freedom of America and our prosperous country, when a lot of that comes from people in bad work conditions and low pay in other countries so that we have so much. And also human trafficking. And how Americans don't want "illegals" here when they actually support our economy and they need all the help they can get too. Plus they probably live in fear every day of getting deported. Spend a day in their shoes. You get born in this country which makes you a "legal" resident and others are born somewhere else making them "illegal". Whatever. This is God's green earth and people should be able to live wherever they want as long as they behave themselves, that's all I have to say. I'd gladly let some people live in my yard as long as they were decent and friendly. They could plant gardens and I'd try to give them bulk commodity oatmeal and rice and beans. Idk. And they could have goats for milk. It'd be better than them starving to death or being murdered by haters somewhere else. I guess I'd just have to say they were my distant cousins, which they probably are somehow. But that's illegal because we are one street inside the city and we can't have goats and whatever. Whatever. I should just get a baby goat. It'd be real cute. I'm eating rainbow sherbet.
I'm frustrated with the state of the world and how people act and how hard it is to get out of cycles of injustice. I want to be of real use in this world! Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard you want to, there's always something more to do! Even in Bible times people were being awful. Since the beginning of time it's been like this and it's just really frustrating! It is worth it to live life and have people despite how awful things can get I think, but a lot more people in the world need to take a serious look at what they're doing and I can't believe how many companies think of people as "cheap labor" like they were cattle or something. I'm even trying to cut down on eating beef because honestly in my heart I would rather eat a bean plant than a mooing cow.
It's frustrating when some people are so conscientious of how they live their lives and other people live like nothing they do matters and other people are just basically worked to death or they starve to death. If people would all work together and actually do something, we wouldn't have so many problems! Erg! So frustrating! I just want people to change their ways. I don't want a ton of people going to hell eternally either. It's just not beneficial to the justice and lives of the living. People need to pay for the consequences of their actions while they are on earth and justice needs to come NOW! Like on Erin Brochovitch where that company had to pay up for poisoning people's water supply and giving them cancer. Why are there no lawsuits being filed for big companies who exploit workers to pay up and those workers be given compensation for them being wronged? Seriously you can file a lawsuit for spraining your ankle from poorly designed shoes, but if a worker wasn't fairly compensated for making the shoe, it's like it never happened. So stupid! If a shoe makes you trip, return it; don't file a lawsuit.
Well that is how I feel today and I hope that I can live my life in such a way that I will change the world! And dear God, please help me to get good friends, and help me to change my ways and seek justice for the lives of others. Help me to have clean hands and a pure heart. Help me to love people as you do. Help me to funnel anger into words, creativity, and productive things. Please help me to get a daytime job. Please bless the guys at the group home. Please help persecuted Christians and starving people. Please help people to see things as they really are and not just compare to others. Help me to love myself and know that I have worth and that you love me. Help me to stay focused on you. Help me to get stuff done and be more of a go-getter. Please help me to feel valued. Thank you for flowers God. : ) I love you God and I'm glad that you are working all things together for good, because seriously people just mess a lot of stuff up.
Dear God, help me to realize that I can't do everything. Thank you that you are still doing miracles and providing manna from heaven for those in need. Please cover over all our weaknesses and greed. Please expose the bad practices of companies who exploit others and people who exploit others in human and sex trafficking. Please help people to start turning to real ways of making and connecting with friends. Please turn this internet revolution around; shut down porn sites and help people to stop the internet chatrooms and instead connect to real people in their communities. Please help me to become a better cook. Please help us to get a garden started. God, please help people to see in a true light that homosexuality isn't normal. Please help people to seek help from the right places when they struggle with same-sex attraction. It just isn't the way to go. Dear God, please make all the terrorists in the world temporarily blind until they come to their senses. Give them visions and dreams of you God. Help them to see that you don't want them to murder innocent people. Please provide for those put unfairly into prison. Please supernaturally protect them and give them clean food and water. Help me to remember that you are sovereign and that prayer is important.
Dear God, please financially provide for my brothers and sisters at the Honor Academy. Please also be with them in all other ways and give them strength. Please help me to not feel super overwhelmed over small details and my college stuff. Please fill the gaping holes in me God! Please be with my future husband and help us to stay pure. Don't let me settle for less than your best for me God. Lord I pray that you will break into the hearts of child abusers, rescue those children, provide relief, help the abusers to come to light and stop their wrong-doing. Bind them in their tracks if they are about to abuse a child, if they are going to abuse a child, make them have a seizure every time they try to do it. I really mean that God. That could be pretty effective. Lord, please keep drunk drivers off the streets. I pray that they would fall asleep in a bathroom before they would drive drunk.
Please help me to sleep well tonight God and guard my thoughts and ways. Please help people to recycle more and use reuseable products instead of paper products. Please help me to limit my intake of resources God. Please encourage and bless all people with developmental disabilities and help people to see that they are a blessing God. Thank you God for all that you are. Amen.
Well, I'm tired. I feel like staying up late though because I've had two overnight shifts at work in a row. I was just looking at scholarship sites with regret because I should have been doing that more sooner. If the scholarships I applied for come back with even half the eligible amount that'd be so great! I want to know more about my work-study job that I got. I'm so glad I got that! I'm scared to apply for loans. I'll have to see how that works with work-study. Overall I am very blessed to even get all the financial help that I'm receiving.
You know I commented that thing on the Messy Mondays site? Well I got a comment on it "holy bananas you wrote a lot." What does that even mean? Does all that I said not even matter to the point you only notice how much I commented? I'm passionate about peace and people listening to each other. I want people to try to look past what people do and believe and look for the real motives behind it. I want people to try to understand each other. Am I even really heard or do I just talk too much for that? I journal a lot. My sister looked at how many journals I have and she's like "woah". It may because I don't speak out enough and share my feelings with others so I write them down instead. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I just want someone to LISTEN to me. Is that too much to ask?
At least I feel like people probably only read a blog because they actually want to know how you're doing. Sometimes on Facebook people rant and no one really reads it. But this you sort of actually have to seek out. I was at church today. We had communion and I felt conviction, like it's time to get serious I felt. I can't just do what I want and take the easy route so much. And I have to prioritize and do what I know I need to do. I've always hated when things don't go my own way and I can't control it, but I really hate when I vent my feelings or work hard on something and people just don't care or they throw my work away. It's really frustrating and it hurts. I feel so small and unable to do anything in this big world. I like to stay involved in things but I do get discouraged. I hate how hard it is to find good friends, and then I see someone I'd like to be friends with and the schedules don't work out or I'm not bold enough to ask. I want a day job. I'm so out of wack. I'm learning to appreciate that even if a job is early, at least it's in daylight hours. I miss working at Image.
I know God loves me and I see how I act sometimes and how I feel and it's like, I really don't have much else, so why am I not running after God harder? I focus on things I can't have. I miss being a part of a Bible study. I don't think "book clubs" are much of a club. I want attention and I want to be listened to. I want to have someone tell me "you matter" and really mean it. One of my supervisors at the Honor Academy told me once "I really appreciate you." and it has stuck with me since. It's one of those things I hold onto when everything is crazy.
I seriously want to renovate a new shed so that I will just have a place to call my own! I'm sick of people telling me how to live my life instead of actually trying to help me! If I could afford I nice shed and I had people to help me I would like to do that. Maybe I could put it in the yard and not have plumbing because it wouldn't be a real house, but like I could put in a loft bed and have it insulated and have to do lighting somehow too. Or I could just have my own room, but that's not even what I want. I don't even know what I really want. The other day I tried to make a hammock out of wire fence and it basically was a waste of time. If I put in more rope it'll probably work, but it's probably still a waste of time because I'm barely even here and awake during daylight hours!
Right now I just want something dependable, like a decent job where I get to see people. It's not even about the money. I like having money so I can give it away. And I also do save it. Ahh! So just want to vent to somebody but people feel so far away or like they don't care! I miss my friend Sarah Rennick!
Don't worry, I'm planning on signing myself up for counseling if I would just have the courage to do it. I want to veg. out and eat popsicles and watch Pocahontis and Disney movies all day. I want to cry. I want a hug. I am such a big baby!
I really want to not cost a lot of money and I want to be more self-sufficient because I'm tired of hearing about all the abused and over-worked workers in poor countries because we feel the need to have so much stuff. Ah! I want to foster care like 10 cats because I feel so bad for the humane society cats that look like they are in cat prison! But cat food is expensive! I'd have a cat door in my little shed house. I want to be cozy and know that I'm ok because I'm not relying on big companies and internet chat rooms full of sketchy people who just want to pimp you out in big cities! I want real friends! The kind that come to your house and eat your food and chase your cats! And who randomly do your dishes and read your books and make funny faces and put dumb radishes in your bowl of cereal!
And I find the thought of marriage so daunting because I feel like I'll have to be so much better than I am and it also doesn't solve loneliness.
I wish I knew sign language so when I got angry I could just yell with my hands instead of with my mouth. I don't like to be loud. I feel like it brings hurt. I've yelled and been angry too much of my life, but I also want to learn to speak my mind. The old has gone, the new has come....
Dear Lord, please help me. I want to be able to express myself and it comes in muted angry and blogging and venting in tongues and repenting and I'm so sick of night shifts! I know that my depression has gotten better and I'm somewhat chemically more balanced I think, but I'm still dealing with bad thought patterns and behavior. That isn't a medicinal problem either, that's something that has to be dealt with inside, and I still speak like what I have to say doesn't matter, because on one level, I don't believe it does!
I miss Norway. It is sooooo beautiful there! And I love the people and their accents! I want to get lost in a good book. I don't know what to read though. I have one chapter of Crazy Love left that I've been putting off for a couple of months. No idea why. And I've been reading "Normal Accidents". It's intriguing, but not to the point where I just keep going back to it. I seriously wish I could grow my own chocolate. I would love to have a grove filled with tropical trees and bushes. You can't do that here. Lame. Indoor greenhouse? We have not started a garden! Bah!
A couple of my friends and their baby are moving. It's sad, I really love the baby and they're nice people! I guess the dark night sky adds to me feeling shut in and like there's really not much out there. I wish I were just super good at guitar because it'd be something I could sort of hang onto. But you really can't hold onto anything these days. Well in any age really. I'm still feeling the coffee from 10:30 this morning. I feel like I'm pretty sensitive to caffiene. Someone I work at the house for gave me a pop last night and it was such a sweet gesture. They were sunburnt too, so I felt like I should've been the one giving. It's nice to accept things from others and know that I care. I can be such an "oh I need to do something" I overwhelm myself too much. I miss Texas. I miss my friends.
Why do I feel so young? There's a little girl at my church who has a slight growing problem, but it's actually kind of comforting because it's something that's not constantly changing. She just stays a sweet little girl the same height. I hope she can eventually get taller though. For her sake and her parents. What the heck is a sake? Keepsake. For heaven's sake. For your own sake. My sanity's sake. It's just such a funny sounding word. McPollo ah ah ha ha! McChicken in Mexico! Pollo chicken : )
I'm so annoyed with all the propaganda of Freedom of America and our prosperous country, when a lot of that comes from people in bad work conditions and low pay in other countries so that we have so much. And also human trafficking. And how Americans don't want "illegals" here when they actually support our economy and they need all the help they can get too. Plus they probably live in fear every day of getting deported. Spend a day in their shoes. You get born in this country which makes you a "legal" resident and others are born somewhere else making them "illegal". Whatever. This is God's green earth and people should be able to live wherever they want as long as they behave themselves, that's all I have to say. I'd gladly let some people live in my yard as long as they were decent and friendly. They could plant gardens and I'd try to give them bulk commodity oatmeal and rice and beans. Idk. And they could have goats for milk. It'd be better than them starving to death or being murdered by haters somewhere else. I guess I'd just have to say they were my distant cousins, which they probably are somehow. But that's illegal because we are one street inside the city and we can't have goats and whatever. Whatever. I should just get a baby goat. It'd be real cute. I'm eating rainbow sherbet.
I'm frustrated with the state of the world and how people act and how hard it is to get out of cycles of injustice. I want to be of real use in this world! Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard you want to, there's always something more to do! Even in Bible times people were being awful. Since the beginning of time it's been like this and it's just really frustrating! It is worth it to live life and have people despite how awful things can get I think, but a lot more people in the world need to take a serious look at what they're doing and I can't believe how many companies think of people as "cheap labor" like they were cattle or something. I'm even trying to cut down on eating beef because honestly in my heart I would rather eat a bean plant than a mooing cow.
It's frustrating when some people are so conscientious of how they live their lives and other people live like nothing they do matters and other people are just basically worked to death or they starve to death. If people would all work together and actually do something, we wouldn't have so many problems! Erg! So frustrating! I just want people to change their ways. I don't want a ton of people going to hell eternally either. It's just not beneficial to the justice and lives of the living. People need to pay for the consequences of their actions while they are on earth and justice needs to come NOW! Like on Erin Brochovitch where that company had to pay up for poisoning people's water supply and giving them cancer. Why are there no lawsuits being filed for big companies who exploit workers to pay up and those workers be given compensation for them being wronged? Seriously you can file a lawsuit for spraining your ankle from poorly designed shoes, but if a worker wasn't fairly compensated for making the shoe, it's like it never happened. So stupid! If a shoe makes you trip, return it; don't file a lawsuit.
Well that is how I feel today and I hope that I can live my life in such a way that I will change the world! And dear God, please help me to get good friends, and help me to change my ways and seek justice for the lives of others. Help me to have clean hands and a pure heart. Help me to love people as you do. Help me to funnel anger into words, creativity, and productive things. Please help me to get a daytime job. Please bless the guys at the group home. Please help persecuted Christians and starving people. Please help people to see things as they really are and not just compare to others. Help me to love myself and know that I have worth and that you love me. Help me to stay focused on you. Help me to get stuff done and be more of a go-getter. Please help me to feel valued. Thank you for flowers God. : ) I love you God and I'm glad that you are working all things together for good, because seriously people just mess a lot of stuff up.
Dear God, help me to realize that I can't do everything. Thank you that you are still doing miracles and providing manna from heaven for those in need. Please cover over all our weaknesses and greed. Please expose the bad practices of companies who exploit others and people who exploit others in human and sex trafficking. Please help people to start turning to real ways of making and connecting with friends. Please turn this internet revolution around; shut down porn sites and help people to stop the internet chatrooms and instead connect to real people in their communities. Please help me to become a better cook. Please help us to get a garden started. God, please help people to see in a true light that homosexuality isn't normal. Please help people to seek help from the right places when they struggle with same-sex attraction. It just isn't the way to go. Dear God, please make all the terrorists in the world temporarily blind until they come to their senses. Give them visions and dreams of you God. Help them to see that you don't want them to murder innocent people. Please provide for those put unfairly into prison. Please supernaturally protect them and give them clean food and water. Help me to remember that you are sovereign and that prayer is important.
Dear God, please financially provide for my brothers and sisters at the Honor Academy. Please also be with them in all other ways and give them strength. Please help me to not feel super overwhelmed over small details and my college stuff. Please fill the gaping holes in me God! Please be with my future husband and help us to stay pure. Don't let me settle for less than your best for me God. Lord I pray that you will break into the hearts of child abusers, rescue those children, provide relief, help the abusers to come to light and stop their wrong-doing. Bind them in their tracks if they are about to abuse a child, if they are going to abuse a child, make them have a seizure every time they try to do it. I really mean that God. That could be pretty effective. Lord, please keep drunk drivers off the streets. I pray that they would fall asleep in a bathroom before they would drive drunk.
Please help me to sleep well tonight God and guard my thoughts and ways. Please help people to recycle more and use reuseable products instead of paper products. Please help me to limit my intake of resources God. Please encourage and bless all people with developmental disabilities and help people to see that they are a blessing God. Thank you God for all that you are. Amen.
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