Good morning!
Good morning!
Ah ha ha : ) Now I guess it technically is morning. These past few days have been kind of whirry and confusing. I had my first overnight cleaning at the group home on Saturday. It was good, but my Sunday was pretty confusing. One of the bathrooms at church was a little dirty and I thought, "Oh no, do I have to clean it?" Ha ha.
Then there was Monday. I got to spend it with some wonderful family of mine-- my aunt Christine, cousin Becky, and cousin Livy. We had a sleepover the night before with my sister there as well. My cousin was over for part of the evening too, studying Spanish from college! She bought her first car. We saw it Monday morning. What an exciting life change to see in the family, (people buying cars, learning different languages, going to college, etc.) It was really good to have some quality time hanging out with my sister and Becky in some heart to heart bonding. They are both very compassionate and we ended up talking partway into the night about injustices around the world, our experiences, and how we hope things to be. I love that I can be myself with these people : ) It's good to experience life with others. Monday, which was Memorial Day, I helped my aunt garden for a while and had Spiced Chai black tea with cream and sugar, talked with cousins more and later biked home. I also went and saw my grandma next door to them and looked at the classifieds for job ads.
Today... well, Tuesday, I slept late and hung around and practiced guitar. I was really tired. I'm trying to process and keep up with things. I stayed up late last night watching until the embers all died away of a fire my dad had burning unneeded wood leftover from a garage project. I built myself a little fort out of a disassembled dog house in our yard while I watched the fire. Mostly I was just wanting a place of my own. I stood the dog house on it's side so that you can sit up in it, but it still wasn't that great. I'm glad we have an actual house. It's funny how much more people need for a house than a dog that just needs a place to sleep when it's cold out. Of course Cubbie does enjoy hanging out in the house, as well as our cats do.
I feel like my brain is now just trying to work on things after a day of just wanting to chill out. Weird. I'm on a weird schedule. I have another overnight this Saturday. I also called the person in charge of helping students with financial aid at Oak Hills. I found out I will have an on-campus job! Hooray for work-study! The financial aspects for college are all starting to come together and I really am planning to go to Oak Hills in the fall. It's kind of scary, but it's a good thing. : )
I got to hang out with my friend Amy a few days ago and that was nice. I feel like I don't get to spend enough quality time with people. My love language is quality time. I want to take a psychology class at Oak Hills for one of my electives if I can. I think it'd be good for understanding myself and others better.
I'm reading a book my cousin lent me called "Normal Accidents" about accidents that occur in like nuclear power plants and oil spills, etc. and how some technologies are best abandoned because of these. I heard that and I was sorta like, "Well duh." But it does help point toward better solutions. Like how instead of letting out bacteria to eat up oil spills, which may cause more problems, they could better design oil ships, etc. so that virtually no oil spills would occur. It's basically human greed and want for profit that that doesn't happen. Sad. And also with nuclear power how that couldn't be controlled and isn't really safe no matter the precautions, so like solar energy would be better, etc. Of course cars use oil and all that, but they don't explode and kill tons of people like nuclear power could, just saying. I'm going to try to actually read the book instead of reading some and wanting to read the rest, but not taking time to because "I don't need it." etc. I think I often put off caring for myself because "I don't need to right now." Then I get overwhelmed and stuff goes wrong anyway. It's frustrating that I do this. I need to be more proactive.
Here's a quote from "Normal Accidents" that I really like:
"...as Robert Jervis and Karl Weick have noted,
seeing is not necessarily believing; sometimes, we must believe before we can see."
I think that can be really true. I forget what the book was referring to for that, but I think often it is like that with God. People will often use "seeing is believing" in some form for not believing in God, but with God, it requires faith, which is believing and that then can open your eyes to see how God is moving in your life and moving beyond your conceptions or anger against God to see what He is truly like. I guess that can be a really hard thing to do. And people will many times die before they'd open to God, but they really are missing out on a lot I must say. It's like trusting and falling off of a cliff and God there to catch you, but only if you do take the step. But don't literally try to fall off a cliff you know. It's metaphorical.
Yeah, so I guess I've had a lot on my mind sort of. It's funny when things get hard and things come up that you realize you still have to deal with. But it all has to come up so you can heal. I'm still not over my parent's divorce, my loneliness, feelings of lack of purpose, depression, etc. I've just been kind of burying it lately I guess. I have to stop taking so much on mentally and just work in small steps.
Yesterday for a while I talked to my sister and cried because I was overwhelmed over things and I felt sick too for a while. Then I went and took a bunch of stuff in the bathroom and I just cried and I thought I was going to throw up. I had turned on the heater and fan. Made myself a comfy chair out of chairs and pillows and blankets, brought a tea kettle and all that and my books. I just wanted to be warm and comforted and breathe. Ahh. Then I decided to go work on my little shed fort and it didn't turn out that great, but it was still good to move stuff around and use my brain on a project. And I watched the fire and ate mini muffins my sister had made.
I want to read the Hunger Games books again and buy them, but I've decided I have to finish reading my Bible through again first. This is my second time reading it through and through. I feel so young in the faith. One of my good friends has read the Bible like 12 times and is all like, yeah, no big deal. I know that's sort of works driven, but I should pray to want to be inspired to read my Bible more. I put it off and get busy instead. Sometimes I just need to say no to things I "have to do". It's pretty sad when you're doing so much stuff that someone else has to tell you to "Breathe...breathe." Yeah.........................................................
Anyway, I titled this entry "Good morning!" because that's the title of a poem I wrote the other day:
Poem: Good Morning!
I hear a school bus
and wind chimes.
I'm drinking tea,
in the morning.
It's so good to see the rising sun
shining in the sky.
It's good to have time
to say "Good morning."
to the Son of God.
Good morning Jesus : )
I like to start the day
with some peace and quiet,
before the busyness sets in.
Today I will decide to be at peace
and appreciate all that God has given me.
Lord, help me to quiet my heart before you.
Thank you for blueberry pancakes and songbirds.
Help me to wait on you God.
Lead me and guide me.
Show me how to walk in your ways.
Not my will but Yours be done.
I love you and praise you Lord, Amen.
--end--
Yeah, that morning I got up around 4:30am since I couldn't sleep and I made a double batch of blueberry pancakes. They were so good! It took me like an hour to make them though. I also served some up for my dad before he left for work and it was nice to be able to do that.
I have Scarborough Fair playing in my head now. It's a guitar song I'm learning to play. "Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Remember me to the one who lives there. She once was a true love of mine." Kind of random and a sort of sad song, but it reminds me of older, slower times. Also watching Princess Bride with my cousins when we were young and without care. I guess there is a time for everything-- a time to be carefree and a time to think on things, etc. I hope to always fill my life with hope and joy and be the same for others.
I officially am a fan of going to Home Depot. : D You can wander around and look at pretty flooring, feel the soft rugs, and look at all the beautiful plants. It was also nice to have a worker there help me with a plan for making a garden, because I needed help with that.
Here's a piece of a song I was writing a while ago. I forget other parts of it:
Don't turn your back on Beauty,
though you may think you're a Beast.
Live your life each day fully.
Then you will be at peace.
Don't turn your back or you'll never know
just what you're missing.
Keep pushing through,
you don't have to end up wishing...for more.
Dreams come true for those who believe.
You gotta open up your heart to receive.
Don't give up on what's been given to you.
Keep on fighting through the chase.
You're worth more than you know.
Transform, don't conform.
Hold on to true and beautiful things.
Don't settle for anything less.
Don't turn your back on Beauty,
though you may be chased by a Beast.
Face your fears, hold him by the ears,
saying to them, "You're not the boss of me!"
Hey hey, you can make it through!
It's a brand new day
and the sun is rising on you!
Let the glimmer of possibility
shine from your eyes, it may be a surprise,
share it, spark the fire, build from that desire.
Let hope hold true in your life.
Make it through, it'll be so worth it to you!
la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Singing through those waiting times.
I'm singing in the rain.
Sitting in a chair,
looking out a window pane.
I know there's more than this.
What happened to the childhood bliss?
What am I so afraid of?
Do stares or giggles justify hiding inside?
Why don't I dance in the rain as in days of old?
You can't always avoid the cold.
I will be refreshed and renewed.
I will dance in the rain.
I know I will be received later
in the warmth of the hearts
who will say "Good job."
I can let go of my safety net
to do what must be done.
I can be who I need to be.
I can be myself.
I will grow past these fears.
I will find better in myself and
move beyond the fences I've created within.
What I have to say is valuable.
God, help me to conquer my fears.
Help me to know that I can help people
and what I have to say is important.
Help me to reach out and love on people.
Help me to believe that I am worth it.
I love you Lord, Amen.
--end--
Well, that's not all really a song but I just kind of now wrote a poem on top of it, so that's just what it is and totally how I feel with my life right now. I can't keep believing a bunch of lies and let the roots of my past remain telling me that I'm not worth it and people don't really care. I'm tired of feeling small and insignificant. I want to truly believe that what I have to offer inside is beautiful.
I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. I watched a what not to wear show today where there was this young woman and she was so beautiful, but she hid behind baggy clothing because she didn't like her shape, height, etc. I could see the look in Clinton's eyes like, "You just don't get it, you are so beautiful." and that's like I think how God sees me, "You just don't get it, you are so beautiful to me." and how one of my guy friends referred to me as "The lovely Jasmine Fairbanks" to my other guy friend and I just brush it off as like yeah right, but I really do need to believe that about myself and accept some self-esteem here. I need to learn to love who I am and embrace it. Lord please help me to do this and not compare myself to others. Please help me to share my struggles with others and let you in.
Summary:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It broke through like a river breaking a dam,
but once I let it out there was healing and peace.
I watched a fire burn.
It was good to get rid of unneeded things,
until they were completely gone--
just burnt newspaper flying in little glowing bits up to the stars.
I can't hide in a box because it's uncomfortable
and it really doesn't do anything to help the situation.
I need to get my life in rhythm with time -- get up early, go to bed early.
I want to live a life of expression and music.
I have to let the bad things out and the love shine in.
I hang onto hope.
Lord help me to pray and bless children.
Give me vision, Amen.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for listening : D Goodnight.
Come Lord Jesus,
be my guest.
Bless this house, my family, and all the rest.
Be the light of my life.
Let my whole life, body and soul praise you.
Lord, give me the faith to
walk in your ways.
I want to know your heart for me.
I want to feel your presence.
Lord, help me to be open to your purposes
in my life, be lifted high.
In every word that I speak,
may my lips be glorifying to you.
Lord, bless the humble and the weak.
Let justice reign, let your kingdom come.
Give people the commom sense
to love each other and do the right thing.
Inspire us all to more of what you have for us.
Be for me my daily bread, and the fountain of living water.
Though the flesh is weak, you are strong.
You will give me the strength to carry on.
Oh how sweet it is to be loved by you.
Father help me to let you in
and let Love win. I cannot earn it.
Father, let me be consumed by your fire.
Help me to love you more as I see your love
for me and for all people.
Lord, I keep on saying the same prayers,
but it just boils down to that I really do love you
and I need you and I need more faith
to trust that you really are good and will take care of me.
I know you will always see me through God.
I really thank you for that.
Lord, give people the strength
to step out, share their weaknesses and receive help.
Help us to share our dreams.
Let us not just fill our stomachs and our heads with what we want.
Help us live our lives to love you God.
I hate commercials.
Help me to know what I truly need.
That is You, God. Not any product of man.
Oh Lord, please help me.
Help me to be open and honest.
I need you so much Lord, Amen.
Lord thank you that you hear me. Amen.
Ah ha ha : ) Now I guess it technically is morning. These past few days have been kind of whirry and confusing. I had my first overnight cleaning at the group home on Saturday. It was good, but my Sunday was pretty confusing. One of the bathrooms at church was a little dirty and I thought, "Oh no, do I have to clean it?" Ha ha.
Then there was Monday. I got to spend it with some wonderful family of mine-- my aunt Christine, cousin Becky, and cousin Livy. We had a sleepover the night before with my sister there as well. My cousin was over for part of the evening too, studying Spanish from college! She bought her first car. We saw it Monday morning. What an exciting life change to see in the family, (people buying cars, learning different languages, going to college, etc.) It was really good to have some quality time hanging out with my sister and Becky in some heart to heart bonding. They are both very compassionate and we ended up talking partway into the night about injustices around the world, our experiences, and how we hope things to be. I love that I can be myself with these people : ) It's good to experience life with others. Monday, which was Memorial Day, I helped my aunt garden for a while and had Spiced Chai black tea with cream and sugar, talked with cousins more and later biked home. I also went and saw my grandma next door to them and looked at the classifieds for job ads.
Today... well, Tuesday, I slept late and hung around and practiced guitar. I was really tired. I'm trying to process and keep up with things. I stayed up late last night watching until the embers all died away of a fire my dad had burning unneeded wood leftover from a garage project. I built myself a little fort out of a disassembled dog house in our yard while I watched the fire. Mostly I was just wanting a place of my own. I stood the dog house on it's side so that you can sit up in it, but it still wasn't that great. I'm glad we have an actual house. It's funny how much more people need for a house than a dog that just needs a place to sleep when it's cold out. Of course Cubbie does enjoy hanging out in the house, as well as our cats do.
I feel like my brain is now just trying to work on things after a day of just wanting to chill out. Weird. I'm on a weird schedule. I have another overnight this Saturday. I also called the person in charge of helping students with financial aid at Oak Hills. I found out I will have an on-campus job! Hooray for work-study! The financial aspects for college are all starting to come together and I really am planning to go to Oak Hills in the fall. It's kind of scary, but it's a good thing. : )
I got to hang out with my friend Amy a few days ago and that was nice. I feel like I don't get to spend enough quality time with people. My love language is quality time. I want to take a psychology class at Oak Hills for one of my electives if I can. I think it'd be good for understanding myself and others better.
I'm reading a book my cousin lent me called "Normal Accidents" about accidents that occur in like nuclear power plants and oil spills, etc. and how some technologies are best abandoned because of these. I heard that and I was sorta like, "Well duh." But it does help point toward better solutions. Like how instead of letting out bacteria to eat up oil spills, which may cause more problems, they could better design oil ships, etc. so that virtually no oil spills would occur. It's basically human greed and want for profit that that doesn't happen. Sad. And also with nuclear power how that couldn't be controlled and isn't really safe no matter the precautions, so like solar energy would be better, etc. Of course cars use oil and all that, but they don't explode and kill tons of people like nuclear power could, just saying. I'm going to try to actually read the book instead of reading some and wanting to read the rest, but not taking time to because "I don't need it." etc. I think I often put off caring for myself because "I don't need to right now." Then I get overwhelmed and stuff goes wrong anyway. It's frustrating that I do this. I need to be more proactive.
Here's a quote from "Normal Accidents" that I really like:
"...as Robert Jervis and Karl Weick have noted,
seeing is not necessarily believing; sometimes, we must believe before we can see."
I think that can be really true. I forget what the book was referring to for that, but I think often it is like that with God. People will often use "seeing is believing" in some form for not believing in God, but with God, it requires faith, which is believing and that then can open your eyes to see how God is moving in your life and moving beyond your conceptions or anger against God to see what He is truly like. I guess that can be a really hard thing to do. And people will many times die before they'd open to God, but they really are missing out on a lot I must say. It's like trusting and falling off of a cliff and God there to catch you, but only if you do take the step. But don't literally try to fall off a cliff you know. It's metaphorical.
Yeah, so I guess I've had a lot on my mind sort of. It's funny when things get hard and things come up that you realize you still have to deal with. But it all has to come up so you can heal. I'm still not over my parent's divorce, my loneliness, feelings of lack of purpose, depression, etc. I've just been kind of burying it lately I guess. I have to stop taking so much on mentally and just work in small steps.
Yesterday for a while I talked to my sister and cried because I was overwhelmed over things and I felt sick too for a while. Then I went and took a bunch of stuff in the bathroom and I just cried and I thought I was going to throw up. I had turned on the heater and fan. Made myself a comfy chair out of chairs and pillows and blankets, brought a tea kettle and all that and my books. I just wanted to be warm and comforted and breathe. Ahh. Then I decided to go work on my little shed fort and it didn't turn out that great, but it was still good to move stuff around and use my brain on a project. And I watched the fire and ate mini muffins my sister had made.
I want to read the Hunger Games books again and buy them, but I've decided I have to finish reading my Bible through again first. This is my second time reading it through and through. I feel so young in the faith. One of my good friends has read the Bible like 12 times and is all like, yeah, no big deal. I know that's sort of works driven, but I should pray to want to be inspired to read my Bible more. I put it off and get busy instead. Sometimes I just need to say no to things I "have to do". It's pretty sad when you're doing so much stuff that someone else has to tell you to "Breathe...breathe." Yeah.........................................................
Anyway, I titled this entry "Good morning!" because that's the title of a poem I wrote the other day:
Poem: Good Morning!
I hear a school bus
and wind chimes.
I'm drinking tea,
in the morning.
It's so good to see the rising sun
shining in the sky.
It's good to have time
to say "Good morning."
to the Son of God.
Good morning Jesus : )
I like to start the day
with some peace and quiet,
before the busyness sets in.
Today I will decide to be at peace
and appreciate all that God has given me.
Lord, help me to quiet my heart before you.
Thank you for blueberry pancakes and songbirds.
Help me to wait on you God.
Lead me and guide me.
Show me how to walk in your ways.
Not my will but Yours be done.
I love you and praise you Lord, Amen.
--end--
Yeah, that morning I got up around 4:30am since I couldn't sleep and I made a double batch of blueberry pancakes. They were so good! It took me like an hour to make them though. I also served some up for my dad before he left for work and it was nice to be able to do that.
I have Scarborough Fair playing in my head now. It's a guitar song I'm learning to play. "Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Remember me to the one who lives there. She once was a true love of mine." Kind of random and a sort of sad song, but it reminds me of older, slower times. Also watching Princess Bride with my cousins when we were young and without care. I guess there is a time for everything-- a time to be carefree and a time to think on things, etc. I hope to always fill my life with hope and joy and be the same for others.
I officially am a fan of going to Home Depot. : D You can wander around and look at pretty flooring, feel the soft rugs, and look at all the beautiful plants. It was also nice to have a worker there help me with a plan for making a garden, because I needed help with that.
Here's a piece of a song I was writing a while ago. I forget other parts of it:
Don't turn your back on Beauty,
though you may think you're a Beast.
Live your life each day fully.
Then you will be at peace.
Don't turn your back or you'll never know
just what you're missing.
Keep pushing through,
you don't have to end up wishing...for more.
Dreams come true for those who believe.
You gotta open up your heart to receive.
Don't give up on what's been given to you.
Keep on fighting through the chase.
You're worth more than you know.
Transform, don't conform.
Hold on to true and beautiful things.
Don't settle for anything less.
Don't turn your back on Beauty,
though you may be chased by a Beast.
Face your fears, hold him by the ears,
saying to them, "You're not the boss of me!"
Hey hey, you can make it through!
It's a brand new day
and the sun is rising on you!
Let the glimmer of possibility
shine from your eyes, it may be a surprise,
share it, spark the fire, build from that desire.
Let hope hold true in your life.
Make it through, it'll be so worth it to you!
la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Singing through those waiting times.
I'm singing in the rain.
Sitting in a chair,
looking out a window pane.
I know there's more than this.
What happened to the childhood bliss?
What am I so afraid of?
Do stares or giggles justify hiding inside?
Why don't I dance in the rain as in days of old?
You can't always avoid the cold.
I will be refreshed and renewed.
I will dance in the rain.
I know I will be received later
in the warmth of the hearts
who will say "Good job."
I can let go of my safety net
to do what must be done.
I can be who I need to be.
I can be myself.
I will grow past these fears.
I will find better in myself and
move beyond the fences I've created within.
What I have to say is valuable.
God, help me to conquer my fears.
Help me to know that I can help people
and what I have to say is important.
Help me to reach out and love on people.
Help me to believe that I am worth it.
I love you Lord, Amen.
--end--
Well, that's not all really a song but I just kind of now wrote a poem on top of it, so that's just what it is and totally how I feel with my life right now. I can't keep believing a bunch of lies and let the roots of my past remain telling me that I'm not worth it and people don't really care. I'm tired of feeling small and insignificant. I want to truly believe that what I have to offer inside is beautiful.
I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. I watched a what not to wear show today where there was this young woman and she was so beautiful, but she hid behind baggy clothing because she didn't like her shape, height, etc. I could see the look in Clinton's eyes like, "You just don't get it, you are so beautiful." and that's like I think how God sees me, "You just don't get it, you are so beautiful to me." and how one of my guy friends referred to me as "The lovely Jasmine Fairbanks" to my other guy friend and I just brush it off as like yeah right, but I really do need to believe that about myself and accept some self-esteem here. I need to learn to love who I am and embrace it. Lord please help me to do this and not compare myself to others. Please help me to share my struggles with others and let you in.
Summary:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It broke through like a river breaking a dam,
but once I let it out there was healing and peace.
I watched a fire burn.
It was good to get rid of unneeded things,
until they were completely gone--
just burnt newspaper flying in little glowing bits up to the stars.
I can't hide in a box because it's uncomfortable
and it really doesn't do anything to help the situation.
I need to get my life in rhythm with time -- get up early, go to bed early.
I want to live a life of expression and music.
I have to let the bad things out and the love shine in.
I hang onto hope.
Lord help me to pray and bless children.
Give me vision, Amen.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for listening : D Goodnight.
Come Lord Jesus,
be my guest.
Bless this house, my family, and all the rest.
Be the light of my life.
Let my whole life, body and soul praise you.
Lord, give me the faith to
walk in your ways.
I want to know your heart for me.
I want to feel your presence.
Lord, help me to be open to your purposes
in my life, be lifted high.
In every word that I speak,
may my lips be glorifying to you.
Lord, bless the humble and the weak.
Let justice reign, let your kingdom come.
Give people the commom sense
to love each other and do the right thing.
Inspire us all to more of what you have for us.
Be for me my daily bread, and the fountain of living water.
Though the flesh is weak, you are strong.
You will give me the strength to carry on.
Oh how sweet it is to be loved by you.
Father help me to let you in
and let Love win. I cannot earn it.
Father, let me be consumed by your fire.
Help me to love you more as I see your love
for me and for all people.
Lord, I keep on saying the same prayers,
but it just boils down to that I really do love you
and I need you and I need more faith
to trust that you really are good and will take care of me.
I know you will always see me through God.
I really thank you for that.
Lord, give people the strength
to step out, share their weaknesses and receive help.
Help us to share our dreams.
Let us not just fill our stomachs and our heads with what we want.
Help us live our lives to love you God.
I hate commercials.
Help me to know what I truly need.
That is You, God. Not any product of man.
Oh Lord, please help me.
Help me to be open and honest.
I need you so much Lord, Amen.
Lord thank you that you hear me. Amen.
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