I'M IN COLLEGE!!!
I'm in college!!! I made it through my 1st week!!
It's been a lot of adjustment, but I feel so at peace right now. I love it here! It is a really good place for me to be right now and I think I will always cherish the time I've spent here. : )
The people are really nice, I like the food variety, they aren't super strict but they expect us to be adults and act appropriately. I love my classes. The teachers are super great and caring. It's like things are finally falling into place where I don't feel the burdens of the world and loneliness all the time. I feel like I'm accomplishing a major milestone in my life and I know the things I learn are going to change my life and also I'll have some really good friends. I love that it's small here, it's like intimate. But we can still go off to town and do things. My RA (resident adviser) is really nice and it's nice to feel that someone is looking out for me again and pushing me to grow.
Earlier I had 4 classes and chapel and before dinner I just felt overwhelmed and tired and I couldn't wrap my mind around all of this. I could tell people were trying to reach out to me and want to get to know me, but I didn't know how to respond to them. So I did what I always do; I hid. I went in the gym where no one was and I laid down on the stage. Then some people came in and were shooting hoops. Eventually somebody threw a basketball and it hit me right in the head. I sat up and it didn't hurt that bad but it was just enough. I started crying and it was all of it together. A guy came to see if I was alright and I just started crying and I was like, "I feel so overwhelmed and I don't know how to handle all of this and I just got hit in the head with a basketball. I don't want my sister to leave for Columbia again." etc. It all just kinda poured out. Then some of my friends came over and they listened to me and let me cry and encouraged me. I think they all can understand what I'm going through. It's like, this is a small place and there kind of are no secrets and you can't just hide because you'll be found and it'll come at you like that basketball. I feel like life is kind of like that sometimes. You want to hide from it, but you have to be ready to catch you or it'll just knock you down and hit you in the head. You have to be on the lookout and be prepared for it so that you can take life actively and not be brought down by it. Big revelation for me I guess. Like Newton and that apple except this mostly just applies to how I need to live my life, not a whole principle for science or something.
I want to try to be more active socially and open for people to talk to me. I love helping people. I want to counsel people; walking beside them in their journey and listening to their stories--not trying to just fix people's behavior and make them feel happy with cheap humanistic advice. You can't know how much you can love people until you meet the truly broken and helpless ones. It changed my life a little bit working at the group home. There's a guy there and he's so funny. He had a stroke and now he's in a wheelchair, can't really use half of his body, and uses partial sentences b/c it's hard to talk for too long for him. But he is so real and gets to the point. He still smokes about a pack a day and that's with them limiting his cigarettes to one an hour. He always says f***in hate it. He goes through a lot but at least he's honest about it. He's not angry really when he says that. He's just being real and saying that it's hard. Sometimes he'll say, "You make my day." and it means so much to me to make his day b/c a lot is hard for him. He still laughs a lot, likes to go for walks, and apparently tries to get cigarettes from strangers. I love people with resiliency. We can get so wrapped up in our problems that we are paralyzed by them and no longer able to move forward. It's a scary place to be. Half way living, wanting to quit, knowing you have to go on but not knowing how.
I'm trying to learn to take care of myself by just letting things be. I need to take breaks. It's been a long day with all the classes and the syllabus and homework shock. But I have a long weekend and it's going to be okay. Tonight I'm trying to take it easy, hang out with some people, and just take care of myself and also let out some of my built up emotions. Hmm. God's grace really is profound. I don't have it all figured out certainly, but I do know that God is making everything work together for good. I just have to see it. I don't always think that everything happens for a reason. Well it does, but it not necessarily happening for a good reason. People do completely stupid things and it can totally wreck their or someone else's life. It seems so pointless, but even if the reason for it happening was from human intention and completely evil, God can still work it together for good. No matter what we do, He can still break in with His Spirit and bring about change for the better. We just have to be willing and open to receive it.
I'm totally feeling this song right now:
"Your love never Fails" It's like the anthem of God's love for me.
YOUR LOVE NEVER FAILS
I want to try to learn this song.
It's so calming to know in my spirit that I'm not alone and other people really do care and God is really for me. Ah it burns in my soul -- God, loves, me.-- It's such a big deal how much he has and is and will work in my life. I feel like I'm learning to see clearly and have a real, positive view of myself. Other people like me and I have to stop having such a negative view of myself. God can and is using me, I don't have to be perfect or do everything on my own, and God is going to take care of me. It is sooooo good. I am going to be okay. God is so faithful. He has showed me so much even these past few days. I can be confident and comfortable in my own skin because he made me who I am and he says that it's good -- my hair color, my personality, my dreams and goals, etc. My life is not being wasted, but God is having me here to learn and to gain a better understanding of my purpose here on this earth. I know I am in the right place.
I need to stop comparing myself to others. I am who I am and where I am and that is okay. God will use me, God is growing me. He will help me along my journey in time and if I lean on Him, He will change me into everything He intended, so that I reflect His image like clear water on a still lake.
Thank you God so much for your love and how much you transform when we surrender to you. Help us not to just be fans of you and cheer for your popularity or whatever, but let us have true hearts to follow you, surrender our own wills, emotions and our whole selves to you so that you can change and transform us. Let us live boldly as your followers, seeking to do your will and learning to live by faith and not by sight. I love you so much God because I'm realizing how much you truly love and care for me. Thank you for always being there to rescue me. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I would have no other. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you. And it is you that I will serve first. You are my best friend. Also you're literally the smartest being to ever live, so I will try to do my best to do what you say, and when I don't it's b/c I'm choosing wrong, not b/c you aren't right. Thank you God for all the help that is available when I'm open to receive it. Thank you for sending your spirit to live in our hearts. Help me to rekindle the fire within, know what I stand for, know how much you care and really be connected to you. I want to live my life for eternity now. You are soooo good God. You don't cover us up w/ band-aids and patches. You don't look away. You see us as we are and where we are in our journey and you heal us. You reach down and rescue us from the deep waters and depths of life's struggles and the sorrow that can run so deep in our souls. It is so personal and so deep. This is so much more than a weekly duty or "being a good person". You change us from the inside out. You bring light to our souls and clean us up inside and from there the outside and our behavior and whole demeanor naturally changes.
Shine your light in my soul God.
I want to be made whole.
I'm tired of walking around in the dark
and trying to figure things out on my own.
Help me to stop comparing myself to others.
You look at the heart and so should I.
Help me to not be afraid to look into my own soul.
I know you have so much laid out for me--a land of opportunity
if I'll step out and give it a try.
You're so good to me God.
Thank you for loving me when I don't even love myself.
Help me not to judge others or make assumptions of myself,
but help me to reach out and love on others because you would,
and I want to be like you.
I need to be honest when I'm not okay.
God I need you to break down the walls of my heart
and not be afraid to take a risk.
Help me to be bold like a lion b/c I know you're great.
You are amazing God.
Even if I make a fool of myself,
I want everyone to know that. B/c it has made such a change in my life.
I want others to be able to come to the same peace and positive transformation.
Help me to be at peace w/ how things are and not try to change what I can't.
But let me be open to the changes you want to make in me.
I want to hear you. I want to hear you.
I want to be used by you, but first I must be healed.
I must have a right view of myself so that I will take on things I can handle
and take risks so that I will grow.
Challenge me to look beyond myself and into your beauty.
I know that you're better than sunlight and clearer than still water in a lake.
You're taller than the mountains and stronger than titanium.
You love me like birds singing in the morning
and a cool breeze at sunset.
You love me like a waterfall that falls softly, gracefully, beautifully down.
Your gifts to me are the moon and rainbows, flowers and trees.
"What do you want? The moon? Just say the word and I'll put a lasso on it and bring it down."
Of course that not being literal w/ tidal pull and all, but God, I know you are like that.
From "It's a Wonderful Life":
"
Anyway, my father didn't think so. People were human beings to him. But to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they're cattle. Well in my book, my father died a much richer man than you'll ever be! "
George: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary. Mary: I'll take it.
I love that quote.
But God is like that. He is just so abundent and willing to give us His love. He is extravagant and it may seem crazy sometimes, but that is how much He cares for us.
Thank you God. I love you so much, shape me and mold me this year. Help me to take it slow. Amen.
Goodnight people and may God truly bless you. : )
It's been a lot of adjustment, but I feel so at peace right now. I love it here! It is a really good place for me to be right now and I think I will always cherish the time I've spent here. : )
The people are really nice, I like the food variety, they aren't super strict but they expect us to be adults and act appropriately. I love my classes. The teachers are super great and caring. It's like things are finally falling into place where I don't feel the burdens of the world and loneliness all the time. I feel like I'm accomplishing a major milestone in my life and I know the things I learn are going to change my life and also I'll have some really good friends. I love that it's small here, it's like intimate. But we can still go off to town and do things. My RA (resident adviser) is really nice and it's nice to feel that someone is looking out for me again and pushing me to grow.
Earlier I had 4 classes and chapel and before dinner I just felt overwhelmed and tired and I couldn't wrap my mind around all of this. I could tell people were trying to reach out to me and want to get to know me, but I didn't know how to respond to them. So I did what I always do; I hid. I went in the gym where no one was and I laid down on the stage. Then some people came in and were shooting hoops. Eventually somebody threw a basketball and it hit me right in the head. I sat up and it didn't hurt that bad but it was just enough. I started crying and it was all of it together. A guy came to see if I was alright and I just started crying and I was like, "I feel so overwhelmed and I don't know how to handle all of this and I just got hit in the head with a basketball. I don't want my sister to leave for Columbia again." etc. It all just kinda poured out. Then some of my friends came over and they listened to me and let me cry and encouraged me. I think they all can understand what I'm going through. It's like, this is a small place and there kind of are no secrets and you can't just hide because you'll be found and it'll come at you like that basketball. I feel like life is kind of like that sometimes. You want to hide from it, but you have to be ready to catch you or it'll just knock you down and hit you in the head. You have to be on the lookout and be prepared for it so that you can take life actively and not be brought down by it. Big revelation for me I guess. Like Newton and that apple except this mostly just applies to how I need to live my life, not a whole principle for science or something.
I want to try to be more active socially and open for people to talk to me. I love helping people. I want to counsel people; walking beside them in their journey and listening to their stories--not trying to just fix people's behavior and make them feel happy with cheap humanistic advice. You can't know how much you can love people until you meet the truly broken and helpless ones. It changed my life a little bit working at the group home. There's a guy there and he's so funny. He had a stroke and now he's in a wheelchair, can't really use half of his body, and uses partial sentences b/c it's hard to talk for too long for him. But he is so real and gets to the point. He still smokes about a pack a day and that's with them limiting his cigarettes to one an hour. He always says f***in hate it. He goes through a lot but at least he's honest about it. He's not angry really when he says that. He's just being real and saying that it's hard. Sometimes he'll say, "You make my day." and it means so much to me to make his day b/c a lot is hard for him. He still laughs a lot, likes to go for walks, and apparently tries to get cigarettes from strangers. I love people with resiliency. We can get so wrapped up in our problems that we are paralyzed by them and no longer able to move forward. It's a scary place to be. Half way living, wanting to quit, knowing you have to go on but not knowing how.
I'm trying to learn to take care of myself by just letting things be. I need to take breaks. It's been a long day with all the classes and the syllabus and homework shock. But I have a long weekend and it's going to be okay. Tonight I'm trying to take it easy, hang out with some people, and just take care of myself and also let out some of my built up emotions. Hmm. God's grace really is profound. I don't have it all figured out certainly, but I do know that God is making everything work together for good. I just have to see it. I don't always think that everything happens for a reason. Well it does, but it not necessarily happening for a good reason. People do completely stupid things and it can totally wreck their or someone else's life. It seems so pointless, but even if the reason for it happening was from human intention and completely evil, God can still work it together for good. No matter what we do, He can still break in with His Spirit and bring about change for the better. We just have to be willing and open to receive it.
I'm totally feeling this song right now:
"Your love never Fails" It's like the anthem of God's love for me.
YOUR LOVE NEVER FAILS
intro: x3 palm mute Em,C,G,D Dsus4 Then: x2 strumming open C,Em,D Dsus4 D Verse 1: Em C Nothing can separate G D even if i ran away Em C G D Dsus4 your love never fails Em C I know I still make mistakes G D But You have new mercies for me everyday Em C G D Dsus4 Your love never fails Chorus: C G D You stay the same through the ages Am C Your love never changes G D Am C There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning G D And when the oceans rage Am C I don't have to be afraid G D Because I know that You love me Dsus4 D Your love never fails interlude: C Em D x2 verse 2: Em C The wind is strong and the water's deep G D But I'm not alone in these open seas Em C G D Dsus4 Cause Your love never fails Em C The chasm is far too wide G D I never thought I'd reach the other side Em C G D Dsus4 But Your love never fails Chorus: C G D You stay the same through the ages Am C Your love never changes G D Am C There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning G D And when the oceans rage Am C I don't have to be afraid G D Because I know that You love me Dsus4 D Your love never fails interlude: C Em D x2 Bridge: C Em D Dsus4 D You make, all things, work together for my good. Chorus: C G D You stay the same through the ages Am C Your love never changes G D Am C There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning G D And when the oceans rage Am C I don't have to be afraid G D Because I know that You love me Dsus4 D Your love never fails Ending: C Em D C
I want to try to learn this song.
It's so calming to know in my spirit that I'm not alone and other people really do care and God is really for me. Ah it burns in my soul -- God, loves, me.-- It's such a big deal how much he has and is and will work in my life. I feel like I'm learning to see clearly and have a real, positive view of myself. Other people like me and I have to stop having such a negative view of myself. God can and is using me, I don't have to be perfect or do everything on my own, and God is going to take care of me. It is sooooo good. I am going to be okay. God is so faithful. He has showed me so much even these past few days. I can be confident and comfortable in my own skin because he made me who I am and he says that it's good -- my hair color, my personality, my dreams and goals, etc. My life is not being wasted, but God is having me here to learn and to gain a better understanding of my purpose here on this earth. I know I am in the right place.
I need to stop comparing myself to others. I am who I am and where I am and that is okay. God will use me, God is growing me. He will help me along my journey in time and if I lean on Him, He will change me into everything He intended, so that I reflect His image like clear water on a still lake.
Thank you God so much for your love and how much you transform when we surrender to you. Help us not to just be fans of you and cheer for your popularity or whatever, but let us have true hearts to follow you, surrender our own wills, emotions and our whole selves to you so that you can change and transform us. Let us live boldly as your followers, seeking to do your will and learning to live by faith and not by sight. I love you so much God because I'm realizing how much you truly love and care for me. Thank you for always being there to rescue me. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I would have no other. I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you. And it is you that I will serve first. You are my best friend. Also you're literally the smartest being to ever live, so I will try to do my best to do what you say, and when I don't it's b/c I'm choosing wrong, not b/c you aren't right. Thank you God for all the help that is available when I'm open to receive it. Thank you for sending your spirit to live in our hearts. Help me to rekindle the fire within, know what I stand for, know how much you care and really be connected to you. I want to live my life for eternity now. You are soooo good God. You don't cover us up w/ band-aids and patches. You don't look away. You see us as we are and where we are in our journey and you heal us. You reach down and rescue us from the deep waters and depths of life's struggles and the sorrow that can run so deep in our souls. It is so personal and so deep. This is so much more than a weekly duty or "being a good person". You change us from the inside out. You bring light to our souls and clean us up inside and from there the outside and our behavior and whole demeanor naturally changes.
Shine your light in my soul God.
I want to be made whole.
I'm tired of walking around in the dark
and trying to figure things out on my own.
Help me to stop comparing myself to others.
You look at the heart and so should I.
Help me to not be afraid to look into my own soul.
I know you have so much laid out for me--a land of opportunity
if I'll step out and give it a try.
You're so good to me God.
Thank you for loving me when I don't even love myself.
Help me not to judge others or make assumptions of myself,
but help me to reach out and love on others because you would,
and I want to be like you.
I need to be honest when I'm not okay.
God I need you to break down the walls of my heart
and not be afraid to take a risk.
Help me to be bold like a lion b/c I know you're great.
You are amazing God.
Even if I make a fool of myself,
I want everyone to know that. B/c it has made such a change in my life.
I want others to be able to come to the same peace and positive transformation.
Help me to be at peace w/ how things are and not try to change what I can't.
But let me be open to the changes you want to make in me.
I want to hear you. I want to hear you.
I want to be used by you, but first I must be healed.
I must have a right view of myself so that I will take on things I can handle
and take risks so that I will grow.
Challenge me to look beyond myself and into your beauty.
I know that you're better than sunlight and clearer than still water in a lake.
You're taller than the mountains and stronger than titanium.
You love me like birds singing in the morning
and a cool breeze at sunset.
You love me like a waterfall that falls softly, gracefully, beautifully down.
Your gifts to me are the moon and rainbows, flowers and trees.
"What do you want? The moon? Just say the word and I'll put a lasso on it and bring it down."
Of course that not being literal w/ tidal pull and all, but God, I know you are like that.
From "It's a Wonderful Life":
"
Anyway, my father didn't think so. People were human beings to him. But to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they're cattle. Well in my book, my father died a much richer man than you'll ever be! "
Comments
Yes, take it slow. Take it all in and soak up the time God has given you. Keep being real with people and blessing them whenever you can. I love you, and I'm looking forward to our next coffee date!
~Amy~